From the genius behind Dawn of the Dead...and some car commercials...

300.

Imax style.

40 feet of suck.

I think I saw a Mariah Carey video that might have had more slow-motion shots than in this film...or maybe it was Enrique Iglesias...meh, either way- their music videos were better than Zack Snyder's newest failed attempt at being something more than a commercial director.

You know, slow-motion doesn't always add tension or emotion (although I'm sure Zack Snyder wishes it does) especially when it's just...people walking in slow-motion, or guy eating sandwich in slow-motion.

Here's the lesson to learn :

You can't hide lack of story depth and directing skills in laborious over-stylization that we've already seen in ads for Xbox games and fifteen Subaru commercials that aired during the superbowl.

There's not even a point in comparing 300 to other films, because this "collection of moving images" doesn't even qualify as a film. It was a slew of fight sequences lazily strewn together to decieve audiences into thinking they were watching little more than an experimental art project gone lame.

If anything, the film exposes Frank Miller's writing to be what it's always been : supremely mediocre. The journey from comic to screen is always an awkward one for Miller's words. Actors never quite know how to deliver his lines (remember Britanny Murphy in Sin City? Or EVERY CHARACTER IN 300?).

Man that speech in the end was comical. In fact I laughed out loud more at this film than Reno 911 and Wild Hogs combined.

"What proffesion are you?"

"I'm sorry? Oh...potter...I make po-

"And what profession are you?"

"Uh, oh, I'm a sandwich artist at Subway I-"

We get the point. Got it. Soldiers. Right on. There should be a drinking game where you have to take a drink every time there's a shot of Gerard Butler turning around in slow-motion and saying something along the lines of-

"Alright...we're gonna have to bring it Sparta! Now think about this day...you're gonna want to remember it..I mean...wooh, big day guys...HUGE day...I mean in the big picture THIS day in particular wi-"

ALRIGHT!

This movie should have been called "Remember the Spartans" and Denzel should've coached Gerard on how to give a proper pep talk.

Oh and...will someone tell the makeup artist who did Freddie Rodriguez' fake muscley arm in Lady in the Water to stay away from hunchback effects in the future? Thanks. Also, the man/woman from The Crying Game did not make a convincing Xerxes, I think he was supposed to be cast as Buffalo Bill in the musical adaptation of Silence of the Lambs.

Am I scottish? Am I english? Am I actually a Spartan? Gerard Butler couldn't decide, I guess it didn't matter at the end of the day. What matters is that Zack Snyder, if left unthwarted- will next ruin The Watchmen for everyone while John August gears up to ruin Shazam...all the while Tim story is feverishly at work ruining Fantastic Four.

Any other comic properties left to ruin? Groo perhaps?